31 July 2010, 4:22 pm
Here is my story... Well, I lost my virginity fairly late compared to others that I know. I was 20. Before that, I never was so into the idea of sex or felt that I needed it. I know this may be a taboo topic but if I wanted to pleasure myself, I could and quite successfully (but never by inserting anything (never tried), always through clitoral stimulation.) At 17 though, I caught a bad virus and from that developed a condition called Fibromyalgia (hence the username). It is characterized by widespread pain, it is not deadly nor is it curable which means that I have it for life. Sometimes I wish I had experienced sex before I got diagnosed so that I could compare how I feel. Anyway, the first time I had sex, it was with someone that I was falling in love with. I was in extreme pain and he had to stop before he could fully penetrate me. Looking back now, I realize that there was hardly any foreplay and I was very, very nervous. I am also a very shy person and I am usually shy about showing my body even though most guys have never given me any negative feedback about it. It's just how I feel. I know that first time sex IS usually painful in some way but we tried a few times after that and I still felt pain and tight. Part of me feels like maybe I was so tight because I had been so sexually inexperienced. Also, my boyfriend never really took his time with me or engaged in much foreplay. Everything was always rushed and I was always nervous. Our relationship also began to be very stressful for me. It was maybe the 4th time though, I was very relaxed and got up the courage to get on top, he penetrated me and I did not feel one bit of pain. Shortly after though, I developed a urinary tract infection. Then due to other issues, we broke up. I was heartbroken and completely turned off from sex. I was not with anyone for a year and a half, even though my ex tried many times to come back into my life and sleep with me. Well eventually a week ago, it happened (with him). I still felt pain. Not as bad as when I lost my virginity but it was still there. Again, it was rushed and I was NOT comfortable nor in the mood. Part of me feels like these emotions stem from the past stress and hurt he has caused me emotionally. I don't know. I also developed another urinary tract infection. All of my friends are saying that it's normal to be "tight" (that's what he kept saying I was) after being celibate for a while. But I have never experienced sex without pain. I don't know if it's related to my Fibromyalgia, if it's a mental thing or if I'm simply just not relaxed enough/wet enough from foreplay OR just not having enough/consistent sex in general. For a long time I was also squeamish about using tampons, I tried once a few months ago and after some practice got it in without pain but never used one again. I don't like the idea of fingers inside of me either, I feel like they are dirty or the nails will cut me or something. But the idea of a penis inside of me doesn't scare me because I think of it as soft and something that was made to be there. lol. The idea of sex also does not scare me, I really want to have a normal and enjoyable sex life with someone who cares for me (maybe I am with the wrong person). I get turned on and I feel the urge but I just don't want to feel any pain. It can be discouraging and I start to view myself as a failure. I turn down guys all the time because I do not want to have a bad sexual experience with anyone else. I feel that I waited longer than most to lose my virginity and now this? I started looking online and came across conditions like vaginismus or vulvodynia (which is even more related to fibro) and now I am paranoid. Anyway, I don't know if I am getting too worked up over this or what, it's not like I've had sex hundreds of times or with different people so I can't really compare how it felt. But the idea of pain is still making me worried since I DO deal with it on a daily basis throughout the rest of my body. I also had a gyno exam a year ago and it went fine and I have another scheduled for next week so we'll see how that goes. I have literally had sex 7 times in my life... the last time being a year and a half after the other 6 times... but shouldn't it have felt good at some point? I also get this burning feeling even after taking antibiotics for the UTI. It just radiates. I am scared and nervous and hating myself right now. Any advice? it would be greatly appreciated. :(... Read More »
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